1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in the world.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. 

If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. 

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. 

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage. 

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. 

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second. 

He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. 

He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. 

This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. 

Amazing isn’t it? 

However… 

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment. 

Game over. Nerd wins.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana & cocaine doesn’ t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
Johnny

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at, my friend, Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.